Given some misconceptions about marriage, I felt this post is necessary. And the goal of this post is to help Christians understand one thing. Once you are married it is joined by God. This is not something to claim was not truly joined by God because of circumstance or issues within a marriage. I’m not saying that concessions for divorce don’t exists, they do, but I am saying that no man is to claim God did not join together the marriage. No man should claim God desires divorce either.
If we read the words of the Lord Jesus straight forward for what they are, there is no debate.
Matthew 19:3-9 (New American Standard Bible)
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God does not leave any wiggle room there. He makes it clear, that once a man takes a wife the two are one flesh and therefore joined. What has been joined was joined by God and man should not separate it. It’s clear divorce is a concession, not the goal or desire of God. And one such concession is noted there. This post is not about divorce, but another divorce concession is noted in 1 Corinthians 7. Again, it is not God’s desire that couples divorce and marriage was not an institution devised for separation from the beginning.
Mark 10:2-12 (New American Standard Bible)
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Again, God is not a God of nuance. The account in Mark, written for a non-Hebrew audience where both men and women could under man’s law divorce freely is just as clear. Once married they are no longer 2 but one flesh, not one spirit, but one flesh. One flesh and what God has joined no man should separate.
What if God did not really join them together?
Some claim that two people can be involved even in a first time marriage and that perhaps God did not join it. As if we get to determine via the well being of the household whether God meant something different in the verses noted above. There is no evidence of a marriage not being joined by God in the scripture noted and there is no exception for something like “happiness level”.
But God could not make something where people are not happy.
The usual retort by those who desire to claim God may not join a marriage, is to claim that things are so bad, the two so unequally yoked, that God could not have joined it. This is to claim that quality denotes whether something was ordained by God. This is unbiblical. Let me offer some examples of things fully established by God, that brought discomfort to true children of God.
Romans 9:17 (New American Standard Bible)
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God allowed Pharaoh his position and although every day of his resistance was a day of slavery and discomfort for the Hebrews, it was all part of God’s plan.
James 1:2-5 (New American Standard Bible)
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Christians have trials and anyone who is married knows that marriage in its self is a trial of sorts. The degree of trial in a marriage may vary, however it is not for us to claim that it was not ordained by God just because it is uncomfortable at times. Husband and wife should strive to abide by Ephesians 5 and even when one gets out of line the other must show they will not give into temptation outside of God’s command.
What if the person they married is not a recommended spouse according to scripture?
Some who press the “God didn’t join it” theme claim that a Christian might have married someone who was not the kind of person scripture instructs someone to marry. And from this they assert that perhaps God did not join the 2 because of some unequal yoking. Such an assertion is not biblical.
1 Corinthians 7:13 (New American Standard Bible)
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Even someone married to an unregenerate heathen is commanded by God to remain with that spouse so long as it is desired they remain together. Even in unequal yoking the joining of husband and wife is not to be broken. As 1 Corinthians 7:14-16 notes, the unruly one in a marriage could come to righteousness via the more God fearing spouse.
Marriage is a union of flesh, not two spirits
It is important to highlight how marriage is the joining of 2 to become one flesh. With salvation there is a joining via the Holy Spirit to Christ, 1 Corinthians 12:12-14. Marriage is not something sealed via the Holy Spirit into eternity and after this life human marriages end, Luke 20:27-40. The cult of Mormonism makes this among many other errors in claiming marriages go beyond this life. Marriage is not truly equal with salvation (although it is a fleshly example of our union with Christ) and only a facet of this life in flesh. It does not bear the same eternal seal as salvation. This is why God commands that no man should separate a marriage, because it is an institution of this life in flesh. While 2 flesh can depart each other God does not desire it be done.
God knows when we marry, even if done multiple times.
John 4:18 (New American Standard Bible)
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God recognizes when we join with another via fornication or adultery versus a joining in marriage. It is His desire that we marry once and keep that marriage till either spouse dies.
Matthew 5:31-37 (New American Standard Bible)
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Let’s be true to our word. God is certainly faithful and true to His and we are to follow the example established by His Son Jesus Christ and follow His commandments.
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February 20th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Good post IC, and I totally agree. I believe marriage should be til death do you part, I even believe that God can heal when infidelity is involved if both parties hearts are not “hardened” and willing to allow God to heal it. My “former” pastor preached that not only is adultery grounds for divorce, but if a woman (or man I guess these days) are being physically/emotionally abused, then according to Rom 12:18,”If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceable with all” men, and the fact that the man is not loving the wife as Christ loves the church, because Christ did not “abuse” the church, then that’s grounds for divorce as well. That is so “unscriptural” and taken out of context when it comes to the true biblical meaning of grounds for divorce. Marriage is something I cherish and divorce is something I hate, as does our heavenly Father.
IndependentConservative reply on February 20th, 2008 at 6:52 pm :
Trying to leverage Romans 12:18 for divorce is like trying to play off any verse that might show someone not “loving” their spouse exactly like Christ loved the church. It creates grounds for divorce under most any circumstances. All one needs to do is play up the DRAMA of the issue.
Really, with abuse where someone feels their physical life is VERY LITERALLY in danger, I do consider 1 Timothy 5:8 and Paul’s abandonment by an unbeliever concession in 1 Corinthians 7:15. If someone is trying to kill their spouse, they certainly are not providing for it at all, but the very opposite. So I feel there is a concession in cases where someone feels they had to go because otherwise they’d be murdered.
godlysoldier reply on February 20th, 2008 at 7:56 pm :
Absolutely! God didn’t call us to be “murdered” at the hands of an abusive spouse. However, if both are “claiming” to be christians and abuse is involved to the point of a life being in danger, I would think separation should be done until the abuser can get counseling and healing…again if they truly are both christians and willing to let the Lord heal the abuser. Otherwise, per biblical standards, neither one could marry again because adultery was not the issue. Help me out on this one….
IndependentConservative reply on February 20th, 2008 at 8:31 pm :
I’ve seen abuse where there was near murder and reconciliation later. Also seen where it was near murder and never could they reconcile. Of course in such a case (the later case) the abuser is certainly not a Christian no matter what they claim. In that later case the abuser really wanted blood.
Given divorce is not to be, never is it a good thing. And once talking about divorce it gets into scenarios that are always hard to answer, because they were not to be. Given marriage is not made for divorce to occur.
I guess if someone separated because of abuse and it could not be reconciled, we can assume the abuser definitely being an unbeliever is going to commit adultery in time. But separation is not to be done as a means to force a spouse to cheat. But I guess it could happen. The separation should not be done in deceit, but to seek later reconciliation.
The Lord knows if we are trying to be underhanded. And an effort to create a divorce concession via underhanded means is a very bad thing.
Malachi 2:16 (New American Standard Bible)
Bottom line, getting out of order makes things very messy.
djenk23 reply on February 20th, 2008 at 8:45 pm :
does this go for any divorces before salvation as well? I’ve heard preachers say that if you got divorced before you were saved, you still must go back to the first spouse….you have to go back even if you’ve married again and have children with your second spouse….
godlysoldier reply on February 20th, 2008 at 9:12 pm :
djenk, what’s the scriptures they quoted to qualify this.
I believe that’s totally ‘incorrect” eisegete of scripture concerning divorce. 2 Cor 5:17 attests to us being new creatures in Christ, old things having passed away, which includes old relationships (including past marriages as a sinner)
IndependentConservative reply on February 20th, 2008 at 9:21 pm :
godlysoldier is correct. What you did before you knew Christ is gone. Of course if you have children in a marriage before you were saved you need to care for them, but divorces prior to finding Christ are not part of this.
Once you’re a new creature, new means new
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godlysoldier reply on February 20th, 2008 at 9:31 pm :
Yes, no “deadbeat” dads(or moms)…sinner nor saint…
djenk23 reply on February 20th, 2008 at 10:01 pm :
they use the same scriptures that IC used in this post…
IndependentConservative reply on February 20th, 2008 at 10:11 pm :
Using their view of it though ignores wiping the slate clean in Christ.
It would mean Paul was actually always Saul and always a murderer, never redeemed!
Is it not enough to walk as Christ commands once saved? Now are we to tell people to go back into their pre-saved lives and try to undo any sin that is past away? How do you undo sin that is past away? It’s like trying to clean a white board by throwing dirt on it and then trying to wipe it off again.
IndependentConservative reply on February 20th, 2008 at 11:10 pm :
This scripture shows that past adultery does not count once saved.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (New American Standard Bible)
Once washed, sanctified and justified whatever happen in the past no longer counts against you with God.
Sure if you robbed a bank before you were saved, in the eyes of man’s law you’re still going to prison, but with God you’re clean. And will just have to do some prison ministry
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February 20th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I completely agree with this IC. Why? Because thats what it said and you didnt have to draw any crooked lines to make it work.
God said what he said and meant what he meant and he was clear about it.
As you said WE made the concessions, not God. There is no permission to blame our concessions on God or expect that he is pleased or in approval of it. The we arent happy line, is the biggest bunch of baloney I have ever heard. How sad to treat our vows before God so cheaply for happyness. Its really selfishness. Since when did “happiness” trump obedience?
As much as the church whores around on Christ, he hasn’t asked for a divorce and he sure not calling off the marriage. But we who have this hope (to be with him eternally) purifies himself even as he is pure.
Although you and others have cited the terrible examples of some leaders in the church, we have to remember that the reason many people are not calling for these leaders to step down is because in their minds they themselves have sanctioned something God never has and never will. We live in a permissive church age.
February 21st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I am having a difficult time. My husband stopped working because he didn’t want to pay back child support to another woman.
However, he was able to get unemployment and he has a part time business which put over 1200 in his pocket last month.
He did not pay a dime towards the household expenses and said he needed his money to move around. He has lsot a lot of weight and I have found drug residue in the bathroom.
I am so hurt that I don’t know what to do. I am scared to stay with him because of his drug abuse although he is not the violent
type but he can never do anything without my assistance which makes me think his drug problem makes him not function right. I know
divorce is wrong, but I have a terrible marriage where my husband only wants to take and not give. He plays the game by saying I don’t want to support him when he doesn’t even support himself.
Does God really want me to stay in this marriage? Counseling is out because he says I am the one with the problem because I don’t want to support him because he is a good man
IndependentConservative reply on February 21st, 2008 at 4:30 pm :
Are you a Christian and does your husband claim to be?
February 21st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I am a Christian but my husband says he is a real spiritual person. He plays the blame game and says God is always going to punish everyone but him. Take for instance the telephone. We moved late last year and I am the only who has paid the bill because he claim he couldn’t afford it. But, he pays for a cellphone bill. So, about two weeks agao, I began to unplug the phone and told him to use the cellphone that he pays for. He claims he doesn’t have any daytime mionutes and I am being selfish because he needs the house telephone to make business contacts in the daytime.
He says he cannot give me the alomst 2000.00 thatt I paid out in Jaunary for household expenses because I took the phone.
He is so full of game that I am sick of him!
IndependentConservative reply on February 21st, 2008 at 5:35 pm :
Well you know the Lord Jesus and that is the most important thing I wanted to know first and foremost.
Your husband according to 1 Timothy 5:8 is way outside the faith. Which is why I asked does he “claim to be”. If he does not know of that verse you might want to help him find it.
You yourself are in a tough trial, however I feel with 100% certainty that God very much wants you to remain with your husband.
Although he’s looking worse than an unbeliever, he needs you more now than ever before.
1 Corinthians 7:13-17 (New American Standard Bible)
You realize your husband is not trying to leave you, not in words asking to leave and not in deed trying to take your life. He’s a 100% leech, but wants to keep the marriage.
Sounds as if he has many issues. It’s probably not best many of them even been discussed on a public forum such as this. You being a Christian can on your own seek godly council from your local church leadership and you should. So you have someone there to talk to and pray with. You are in our prayers, but you need the support of your local church assembly that you worship with.
When it comes to self sacrifice, faith, love and endurance you’ve got the full assignment right in your house right now with your husband. You really are likely his only potential hope for coming around.
If you leave, what’s left? The drugs. Even an unsaved person knows that is what he’d turn to even more heavily. Of course if he’s “shooting up” you’ve got to consider the risk of STDs and take some precautions in that regard, to keep yourself from possibly becoming infected.
I know it’s got to be VERY hard for you, but here is what the Word of God says and shows you are the hope that might best help your husband in your being with him.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (New American Standard Bible)
As I said, you’ll be in my prayers and I’m sure I’m not the only one that will be praying for you both.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Ineedanswers, I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. If counseling is out of the question, you may need to consider a separation due to the drug issues alone. Your health is at stake,because he may pass on hepatitis or AIDS.If he is obtaining illegal drugs, and he doesn’t have cash, the dealers may well come to your home to collect. Your safety is the primary concern.
This does not mean divorce……..it means a physical separation due to the danger his behavior places you in. If you have children, the situation is that much more critical.
I’ve never counseled anyone to divorce in my years of ministry, and I want to be clear that I am not doing so now. But Christ does not require us to endanger the life He has given us because of the marriage vows, and therefore a separation seems prudent.That would also include all financial support…….as Paul said, “He who does not work should not eat”, and “He who cares not for his own is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith”.You must take the legal steps to protect yourself if this is the course you choose. Allow the authorities to know the situation and file whatever papers are necessary.
Again, separation is NOT divorce. Unless the unbeliever leaves of his own accord, you are bound to him. But you are NOT bound to put your life in danger for your husband’s moral failings.
If he, as an unbeliever, decides to depart because of these actions,you are free. But please know that the union is one that God takes seriously, and you are obligated by love to pray for his salvation and your reconciliation unless he takes that option off the table by leaving. Your husband is still precious to God,and He can certainly lead your husband to repentance.
The financial aspect does not move me at all really in this situation…….that is not grounds for separation,but for prayer. But I am deeply concerned about the safety issues stemming from his drug abuse. You say you don’t think he would ever hurt you,but you really cannot know that when he is under the influence. Neither can you know that those supplying him will not harm you. Neither can you know what he may pass on to you, since strains of hepatitis can be passed simply through the common use of silverware, and hepatitis is as incurable as AIDS and results in serious health issues. And again, if children are involved,then action must be taken as soon as possible.
February 21st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I am so glad I found this blog and I thank you both. This is a nightmare and I am going to really take what you said serious. He just wants to blame me for everything and I am tired.
I agree about the Aids, which has me really scared. I can no longer commit to him in that manner.
Thank God, we have no chidlren but he has a 14 year old son he has custody of that he sent to live with his mother because he could not care for
him and I demanded that he did.
He just doesn’t want to take responsibility and I can’t do my part and his
February 21st, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Ineedanswers, I too will be keeping you and your husband in my prayers. As we face trials and tribulations as christians, our comfort is in knowing that God will not put more on us than we can bare. I too went through some things early in my marriage and I was determined that the enemy was NOT going to prevail.
The trial pushed me to my knees, intensified my prayer life and pushed me even closer to God. I know it’s hard, and we have the word to look to and comfort us, but in the midst of the battle, when the warfare is most heated, we must trust God, even when we can’t trace Him.
I do agree with GaryV in that your safety and health may be in jeopardy and you should do what’s necessary to protect it. Maybe separation and prayer will be what’s needed in order for your husband’s eyes to truly be opened and see that you love him but you are not going to continue down a destructive path that jeopardizes your well being and his soul.
I pray you seek wisdom and sound counsel that can give you spiritual, emotional and if need be, physical support. My heart truly goes out to you and I will be praying that all things will work out together for good in your situation. May God’s will prevail in your situation.
February 21st, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Some thoughts: Society has a vested interest in knowing that couples who co-habit are legally sanctioned to do so because all co-habiting is a matter of public record and interest. Society also has the same interest in knowing in what circumstance children are being born into and brought up in. Marriage is the only one that works, despite the flaws in the human beings who decide to make and run a family. These are why there are vows and witnesses to validate sexual union and co-habitation. These vows and witnesses help establish whether someone who enters marriage is truly available. This way, such violators as bigamists and philanderers are weeded out and ostracized/punished by society.
Morally, legally and financially, unmarried people who enter into sexual union have no recourse to God or society to redress domestic problems that develop between them. Divorce is technically a “remarriage certification,” not just a permanent separation. As Gary above stated, separation is often an answer to extremely problematic marriages or where laws are being broken in the home. This is why Paul concedes that a Christian woman may have some occasion to leave her husband; but if she does, she must remain unmarried or be reconciled to him. The only exception that is different is if the unbelieving spouse leaves her.
To Ineedanswers above, if you can find a temporary situation with family or friends who are willing to take you in on an indefinite basis, then it may be the thing to do. Or, depending on where you live, there may be shelters offered by social services or charitable agencies. But, do not seek a “remarriage certification” (Divorce). This would put you in danger of judgment from God (unless your husband, as the unbeliever, leaves, as was pointed out above).
James 5:13 says, is any among you afflicted, let him pray. If you have a home church seek their counsel and prayer too.
God tests the reins of our hearts in this life. The things we hope for as our “paradise on earth” can become a source of pain and trial. Our homes can become a battleground. Even Jesus says that 2 can be against 3 in a home, or a mother against a daughter-in-law. Because of Adam and Eve’s sin, our world became this way because it was not God’s original plan to curse us and our world. We must not have our hopes pinned to this world and this life. He alone is our hope. We are to pray for the days when His Will will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.
Won’t that be great when Jesus returns to bring us that answer?
Pray for your husband and be kind to him, even if you find you need to leave; for, as Jesus says, this shows proof that you are a child of God.
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
God bless you Godlysoldier and stan-this is the first time that I have written anything about my problems and I know that God
directed me to this web site
February 26th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Would I be wrong if I called the police on husband? He refuses to stop bringing drugs into our home and I have no where to go
IndependentConservative reply on February 26th, 2008 at 2:38 pm :
No you would not be wrong at all. The Bible does not advise any saint to cover for criminal behavior.
And there is also the concern, that if he was caught without you turning him in, that you might be somehow accused of being into drugs yourself.
IndependentConservative reply on February 26th, 2008 at 2:46 pm :
Related verses to consider:
Ephesians 5:11 (New American Standard Bible)
Also see Matthew 10:34-39. You are both to be married and remain so, however you have to stand for light and pray God brings him to repentance. And sometimes that involves hard decisions.
February 26th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
That’s what I am afraid of-getting into trouble for something I had nothing to do with.
Thanks for the scripture-I honestly need it
February 26th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
IC is absolutely right IMO. You HAVE to protect yourself. Frankly, this may be what it takes to bring your husband to repentance, but even if that is not the case you cannot continue to expose yourself to danger.
My prayers are with you Ineedanswers.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Thank you and God bless everyone who has responded to me